I've debated over the last 2 or 3 days whether to write a blog on how I've been feeling. Going back and forth on whether or not I want to share with "my community" what I've been dealing with recently. I mean, who wants to read about something sad, right? I certainly don't.
But, I've decided that it's probably a good thing for me to open up to more than just my Husband about how I've been feeling about our current situation revolving around our cat, Creeper.
As of this past June, Creeper has been diagnosed with Kidney Failure. And as of this past Saturday, he also has anemia.
Now, if you've read any of my other posts- you know how much I adore animals. Especially those in need & my own.
Needless to say, this news has been devastating for not only me, but Kyle too.
I know that he's a cat. I realize he doesn't have a soul. I know that it's better that he doesn't suffer.
But none of that makes this hurt any easier to handle.
Creeper is our friend. We call him our "son". He's the sweetest cat, ever. He wouldn't hurt a fly if given the opportunity. And yet, he has to go through all of this health crap.
I've spent the past 2 days crying hysterically off and on, avoiding our house but avoiding the public as well. Dodging phone calls from my worried Mother, ignoring texts or instant messages from curious friends.
Here's the truth of it:
I hate this feeling.
I hate having the power to end a life- even if the life is suffering.
I hate seeing that this cat that we rescued and have only had a year, isn't the same anymore. He's lost weight...he doesn't meow when we open a can of food. He doesn't sit on his perch by the window.
And the worst part is- all these changes have occured in the past week. Sudden.
I keep thinking about him not being there for Christmas this year. I think about his little quirks that I'll no longer get to experience.
I worry about 007- losing his companion and how it'll affect him.
Quite frankly, I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm sensitive. And I'm emotional.
I keep digging around for some kind of hope. Searching for someone who has an answer or a bit of advice for me that will make this pain feel less terrible.
It's the waiting game now.
Will it be today? Will he die tomorrow?
Will we have to take him to the vet...and PAY to have him put to sleep next month?
Listen people, I'm trying to focus on the 'now'. Trying to enjoy the time I have with him 'today'. Trying to think about work or an obligation later in the week. But no matter how hard I try...I continuously am reminded by something that my small, fury black friend- is dying.
Some of you may feel this is a "sob sob" story and "who cares? It's just a cat"- But I'm just putting myself out there. I feel like it's better for me to open up then to keep it all inside where it'll surely burst eventually.
I'm on the edge.