Sunday, October 12, 2014

(Getting out of an unhealthy relationship)

I'm incredibly observant, which sometimes isn't the best of characteristics. I have a general hope to help others and an eye to see more than what's on the surface. I also have the quality of really feeling for someone in need. And the worst part is when I can't put my hand right in and fix everything myself.

I'm learning that although my heart may be screaming "DO SOMETHING!"- it's not always a good idea. But, I can put my heart on a platter in other ways.
Thanks, blog!

Here's your situation.

A man and a woman are arguing. It's definitely heated and voices are rising higher and higher, there's an extra icy chill in the air.
"You're not faithful! You're not committed! But *I* am!"
"I AM committed to you! I love you!"
"Let me see your phone then! Let's see if you've been cheating on me with him! You know what?? I'm just going to take your phone away."
"Fine! Take it, I don't want it."
"Why are you still talking to that guy, anyway? Why do you need to talk to him when you have a family that loves you?"
"He's just a friend! Why don't you just talk to him?"
"What am I supposed to say? Huh?! Thanks for taking care of my girlfriend for me? I do so much for you. I freaking have the baby all the time."
"No you don't! I'm with the baby every day, sitting at home by myself. I'm going to tell them how you treat me."
"Oh yeah? You'll tell them, what?"
"....That you hit me."
"That I hit you? Yeah! I've hit you. So what? You've hit me, too! It's not like I don't have a reason. I have a REASON to hit you. You're a slut. You're a freaking slut."

A baby cries in the distance, a cigarette is lit. The conversation goes from calling each other names to a hushed urgency of finding a missing pacifier and then eventually continues with muffled yelling from inside a car.

So you're with a person who calls you really horrible things, takes away any confidence you may have had in yourself, is a biological parent to your child, who puts you on the back burner to anything and everything, refuses to put any of your needs before their own, shakes their head and rolls their eyes at all of your goals and dreams, laughs at your insecurities, hits you from time to time and has the innate ability to apologize and say the right thing at the exact second you're about to say, "I'm done with this!"

And so, you stay.
Because you love them. And they make you laugh. You have a child together! And one time, they complimented you and you'll never forget that!

When you're in a relationship with someone...feelings flying all over the place that sometimes you can't even figure out yourself- sometimes, your mind and your heart get fogged over. Did you know that?
It's true.
You create this foggy bubble around you and this other person and you can't get out, you can't see past it...and sometimes, you don't want to. Because it's easier to stick with what you know, rather than go out into the unknown- especially when you'd feel alone. That person is better than no person? Right?
Wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG.

Before I met my husband, I didn't know what it was like to feel confident in a relationship. Names were thrown all over the was a competition to see who could say the most hurtful thing. Sometimes, the actions were all about distancing the other person as much as possible...just to see how far they'd let you go. The fights were really rough. The silent treatments? Even more rough. The lack of trust? Awful.

And the worst part was that darn bubble I'd put around us.
I knew something wasn't right but I couldn't help but feel like....maybe I was misreading the situation? Maybe I was doing something so wrong that all of these actions were justified. But even more so- thinking about going on with life, without that person apart of the future...seemed like the scariest, most uncomfortable heartbreak there ever could be.

I want you to know- that breakups are scary. They hurt. Sometimes, the ugly cry happens. It takes awhile to figure things out again. Realize that you actually do have the ability to make smarter, healthier choices for yourself. That you deserve more.

I'm speaking to that person who knows deep down the relationship they're in, isn't what they really desire. The teenager who thinks that a breakup is all about rejection and loneliness, to the person who doesn't think they deserve anything better, the person who doesn't want to feel a hint of "single", the person who thinks it's too late, to the person who takes any sort of abuse, and to the couple I was talking about earlier.

Last night, as I was winding down for the night, I heard shouting. Opened my window to discover the above situation happening across the street.
It broke my heart for them. Both of them. But especially for the woman. Because while she may have been unfaithful in the past, this man was trampling her to tiny bits. Calling her names, shouting in her face, bringing up past wrongs, admitting to hitting her and thinking he had the right!
40 minutes passed and then a newborn cried out.
My heart broke a little more.

It reminded me of those past, foggy, relationships that I had been apart of. And I immediately knew that this post needed to be an outside voice to those people apart of relationships that are or could potentially be extremely bad situations.

There is always a way out.
There is always someone to talk to.
There is always a potentially brighter future ahead.

Have a relationship that is pure, unselfish, and full of healthy understanding. One that you enjoy. One that you can safely stay apart of long term. And realize, arguments happen. You're two different people. But there should never be a need to hurt the other person physically, emotionally, or mentally.

Do what you need to do, to be one half of a wonderful, amazing relationship with someone who respects you and thinks you're pretty great.

You've got this.

No comments: