Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Michigan-Lonely-Christmas

I just visited Michigan.
For an entire week...can you believe it?!

Prior to the trip I honestly wasn't too excited. Not because I don't miss my Family, because I definitely do. But, I feel like I stress myself out way too much thinking about the trip. What to pack, what to clean first, leaving the cats behind, what if packages arrive while I'm away?...And so on.

Well, we get to Michigan and things were slightly awkward at first. Which is strange. Because I never thought I'd feel awkward with my Family. That whole, "So uh, how's life?" type of awkwardness.

But, that soon passed.

I LOVED being in Michigan with my Family.

My Sister is dating a guy, Joey. Though I met him once, I really didn't know him at all. He's awesome!
He came over every single night and he and Julie hung out with Kyle and I. They watched movies with us, we played Mario Cart together and Apples to Apples. We cracked jokes. It was just...fun.
Most teenagers will literally hide in their rooms or the basement or wherever. Away from everyone. Probably making out. Probably having stupid conversations about people from school.
I SO appreciated that both of them spent time with us. And it really encouraged me that my Sister has found a mature guy. He's hard-working, SO polite, nice, and mature. What more could an older sister hope for?

My Mom and I spent some time doing a little shopping and having lunch together. We laughed, we cried, we vented. It was pretty cool.
I love the fact that my Mom and I are becoming closer as the years go by. Friends.

Dad and Kyle spent a lot of time together, and that also meant a lot to me. It was so cool to see the two most important men in my life, together. Bonding. Watching "Man movies" and eating "Man food". :0) Kyle rang bells with my Dad for Salvation Army. I thought it was so neat that Kyle offered to go with him. Keep him company and try something new.
It made me proud.

(Random comment: I absolutely hate it when the UPS truck shows up right smack dab in the middle of Gray's nap. The dog barks...the baby wakes...break over.)

As much as I loved this trip...it brought a painful realization. I *still* am alone.
While I haven't felt any sort of "depression-ness" in 3 or 4 months...the second we drove away from my old home...I immediately felt alone. I sobbed for a good hour or two, feeling heartache something terrible. Kyle could listened, but he couldn't truly understand what it's like to be so far away from his Family, for so long. He didn't have any advice to offer.

I go to work. I come home. I don't take a second to remove my shoes, or change my clothes. And I begin dinner. I feed the cats. I pick up any messes left from the morning rush. I hug my husband, put away his lunchbox...finish dinner. Eat dinner. Check email. Check job posts. Shower. Read devotions. Go to bed.
And, repeat the next day. Every day.

It was amazing seeing familiarity.
People KNEW WHO I WAS in Michigan. People smiled at me and hugged me at Church. They asked me all sorts of questions.
My Sister spent time with me. She included me. She called Kyle her, "big brother". My Mom opened up to me.
I felt...at home. I felt...welcomed. I felt like...I was where I needed to be.

Which brings me to this question:
Why doesn't Connecticut feel...right?
Now, don't get any ideas! I was definitely right in marrying Kyle. No doubts there. I Love him, I'm blessed with him...and I wouldn't change being married to him if you offered me a thousand lipglosses.... :0)

But, the moment we pulled up to our Connecticut home, I felt stressed. Anxious. Sad. Doubtful.

I'm struggling with why I continue to feel this way, despite living here coming on two years.
Why haven't I made any really good friends? Why am I not completely comfortable here?

I just. Don't. Get. It.

It's frustrating.


I've decided that I don't do well with change. Any sort of change. Change of jobs, change of home, change of Family, change of vehicles.
Before I got married I would have told you that I was a pro with change. "Doesn't affect me, really."
WRONG.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I hate change. There, I admit it! I'm a wimp. (I should have been star of "diary of a wimpy kid"-- good movie, by the way.)

I often wonder what people around here think of me.
When I told people back "home" that I was going to be a Nanny they all responded with, "Wow! Really?! That's so neat!"
And here, I feel like I get a quizzical glance, a slight raise of the eyebrow, a slight glance at my attire and then an, "Oh? Where at?" Because when I tell them what town I work in, they get a better idea of how much I may make.
I think being a Nanny is wonderous.
I'm essentially getting to help a child grow. How amazing is that? Pretty darn.


I'm excited for Christmas. I feel like the gifts I got Kyle this year, he'll really like. Last year I gave him odd and end gifts that really had no significance. But this year...this year I'm proud of what I've purchased. I saved money for 2 months. And boy was it burning a hole in my pocket!
Of course Christmas isn't about the gifts, I know, I know. But we give gifts because the Wisemen brought gifts. So I believe I'm allowed to be excited about this :0)

Ah, well.
There is so much more I could say. But...I won't bore you with SO much randomness.

Happy Almost-Christmas!

1 comment:

Hannah_Keas said...

know exactly how you feel. been there many times :) it will get easier, as long as you continue to depend on God and talk to Kyle.
praying for you :)