To Baby or Not to Baby?

Oh, hello.
It's me, Amanda.
I write on this sleepy ole blog when something comes to me that matters. :)
As I get older (and boy, have I been feeling it) I find myself exploring the idea of having kids more and more seriously. '

Truth be told, this whole "talking about having kids" thing is completely weird territory for me. It's no surprise to my close family and friends that growing up I knew two things. I wanted to be a wife and a mother.
I was positive I would be married young (I was hoping for like 17, but...21'll do.) and almost as positive that I would have babies shortly after.

The first year of marriage was killer.
A word to newlyweds- give yourself that year. Because it's amazing to me that once I lived as a wife a little while...man. I kind of enjoyed it just being me & my husband. Although, I have to admit...being a Nanny is excellent birth control. So, maybe, I'll recommend that everyone should be a Nanny to 1 or 2 small children full-time, before considering children of their own? Yes. That's my recommendation.

...but as I was saying.
I clearly recall within that first year, gushing every time I saw a baby. If someone was pregnant, I was green with envy. If there was a baby nearby, my eyes were glued to it and I was nudging Kyle to adore that little blob of cute as much as I did.
I remember being in church one Sunday and saw a mom holding her new baby boy- I started crying. In the middle of Church.

But oddly, as the years have gone on- I have gone through other phases of thinking maybe, just maybe, being a mom isn't for me, after all.
I seem to be through that phase now and in the..."Maybe in a few years.." phase.

Aside from the constant pressure of keeping up with all of my baby making machine friends (and I mean that kindly!)- I'm also feeling incredibly insecure about my age. If we follow our tentative plan, I'll be almost 30 with my first.
My Mom was 29, and I always swore I wouldn't wait that long.
And here I am.

I struggle with finding a contentment and peace with where I am RIGHT NOW. There are so many things I want to do before kids- and so many things I don't want to wait for, in order to have them.
Does that make sense?

The most common advice I get is, "Enjoy your time with your husband."  "You're young. No rush."
I know, I know!

The flip side of this topic is a hard one for me to write, mostly because I don't want to offend anyone.
But, another thing that has held me back from pursuing children more seriously is the constant (and I mean, constant..) flow of articles, photos, studies, and personal opinions regarding birth and breastfeeding.

I have to say, and I may not be speaking for any sort of mass, but those articles? Those about what doctors did to so and so and how midwives are better and how breastfeeding hurts so bad but also that "breast is best" and also about the epidural and how horrible it is and that you need to go all natural....THOSE. Are the articles that scare the crap out of me.

I appreciate openness and honesty.
But I respect women who do what works for them and their families and in return, respect other women who do the same thing.

My only request here, I suppose, is that when those of you who are already mothers- are sharing your wisdom across all of facebook, please remember that not all of your friends are mothers.
New mothers aren't the only ones who may be feeling alone in whatever situation they may be in- it's those of us, too, who are thinking about getting pregnant but have constant, awful scenarios rotating through our minds of ...what exactly IS best? Is that going to happen to me? What do I choose?

I know, I know. Then why am I friends with you, right? Or why don't I just *not* read the articles?
Well, because I like you as a person, probably.
And also, I don't read most of the articles.
But the one liners, the photos? That's often all it takes for me to be like...jaw on the floor, eyes bigger than you'd think humanly possible....and doubtful.

I don't really know what this post will do for anyone. Maybe something good somewhere. I hope so! Regardless, I feel pretty relieved to get all of that out there and not just through frantic texts to friends.

High five friends.
It's the weekend!

Feeding & Sleeping

....I'm not anyone's Momma yet.  Although, I dream of that day.

Let me say this in advance- if you already are a Momma and you're reading this post- take heed! This is me speaking from a personal, non-experience in Mommyhood point of view. So, take a deep breath.  And continue on.

It must be my age, 24 now (What?! Ah!), but it seems that most of my Friends are pregnant. With anywhere from their 1st to their 3rd or 4th child. (Holy smokes...busy!)  So naturally, being apart of the Facebook community- I see a lot of posts, blogs, statuses, links concerning baby feeding, baby safety, baby health, baby this that and everything inbetween.  Thus, I've began to form a few of my own opinions and probably goals for when my time comes to join the Mommyhood Club, that's all so exclusive.

Breastfeeding.

Man, I never knew there was so much controversy on the subject.  A year or two ago Kyle mentioned something about it causing an upheaval at work (a mall)- but I didn't really process any of the conversation.

Apparently- breast feeding in public is quite the topic these days, huh? 

In light of it, I figure I'll get my opinion out there- because Lord knows, Kyle doesn't particularly want to hear what I have to say about it right now. :)

I feel that breast feeding in public is just fine.
If you're covering your breasts. Completely.
No nipple showing, no "cup" showing...No. I don't want to see your boob(s). And I don't want my Husband to see your boob(s) either.

I completely understand that:
A) Feeding your baby is not a sexual thing
B) It's bonding time for you and your baby
C) It's nourishing your Child
D) You don't want to have to sit in a public restroom and hide out
E) When a baby is hungry- baby is hungry NOW!
F) It is not comparible to anything else (Like, peeing in public or masturbation in public)
G) It's a natural process

However, as rough as it sounds- when you're out in Public, the World isn't going to be revolving around you and your Child.  It may not seem fair. It may seem like no one understands- but frankly, people do understand breastfeeding.  I think it's a small minority that actually think it's disgusting. And not even the breast feeding itself, but revealing your breasts- that "disgusts " them. (Which by the way, I think is a bit of a strong term. Being that a lot of women these days wear shirts that reveal nearly their entire chest.)  I think it's simple that other people would rather you keep your breasts to yourself. (And since this IS my personal opinion- yes, I do think that women who having their breasts hanging out of their shirts should cover up as well.)
Just because your a Mom- doesn't mean that the Public is going to dote on your child and it's nourishment needs- as you do. 
It doesn't make it OK to allow other Men perusing by to see your breasts. There is a reason why you generally wear a shirt. Because that part of you is private. It's reserved for your Husband. No?

And, we're not in another Country. Here, we do wear shirts regularly.

I think breast feeding is wonderful. I am looking forward to having this experience. But, I also know that, I will always cover myself up. Out of respect for the bond that I'm sharing with my child, out of respect for my Husband, for myself...and out of respect for even, the Public.

Co-sleeping.

I recently read an article- apparently Wisconsin is trying to try and stop co-sleeping? Some of you probably know the context better than me. 
But I did read the article- to which the Mayor stated, "If you love your child, you will not sleep with your Child"- something to that affect.
Two more babies died recently due to irresponsible co-sleeping, involving drinking and a toddler sibling.  Needless to say, those Parents didn't take any sort of precautions in insuring their Baby had a chance to live through the night.
Extremely sad.
The article also asked what the Readers thought of co-sleeping, if they co-slept- and if they agreed with the Mayor. 
Out of the 65 comments that were posted, probably 5-6 of the comments were from Readers who A) agreed with the Mayor or B) did NOT co-sleep.
All of the other comments were people who DO co-sleep and do NOT agree with the Mayor.

So again, after reading all of the comments, I'll give my two cents on the info I gathered and my own convictions on the issue.

I understand that:
A) It's more convenient & easy
B) It comforts you knowing that you have some sort of grasp on your Child's safety (Video Monitors?)
C) It creates a bonding for you and Baby
D) You're depressed without Baby RIGHT next to you at all times
E) There are guidelines you need to follow to ensure safe co-sleeping
F) Women in other Countries "always do it"

I feel that, the Mayor should not have implied that a Mother doesn't love her Baby if she co-sleeps. (Although I don't think that was necessarily his intention).  But, I think he's on the right track with spreading the word that co-sleeping isn't really a safe plan.

I do not plan on co-sleeping with my Baby. My Husband doesn't want me/us to. I feel like it takes away from the Mommy/Daddy bonding time.  I think it promotes a harder transition for the Child to sleep in his/her own room in the future.
And, whether or not there are safety guidelines to follow- regardless of statistics that state deaths by co-sleeping only occur when guidelines aren't followed-  why risk it??
There are other ways to bond with your baby. Waking up at all hours and walking into another room is just part of the deal. They have video monitors now, if you feel that a sound only monitor is not sufficient.  Yes, you may wake up in a panic all night, constantly checking the video (I've done this before, while being a live-in Nanny)- but you can clearly see baby. You can see baby moving, talking, sleeping, crying...everything.
Sleeping with your Child just seems irrational to me when there is even the slightest possibility that something could go wrong.

Do I think you're a bad Parent for breast feeding in Public or sleeping with your Baby? Of course not.  Everyone has their own opinions and their own convictions on Parenting.  And my opinion may not be shared with you- but at least I got it all out there. And I feel better about it.

Until next time, feed that baby! :)

-Manda

Inside My Mind

Mmmm....Godiva French Vanilla Coffee, a leaf themed blanket, some music, and a Cat staring at me. What a great day so far...

So I realized that A) I've been wanting to write a new blog and B) I don't always need an amazing topic to thrill everyone with.

I have a Friend who also blogs from another site. (I know, the audacity!) And as I read her blog, I found it so refreshing...and human. It wasn't informing me of some current issue or educating me on some controversial issue. Although I don't entirely dislike those type of blogs- the blogs that are more like a Journal are so much more...meaningful and real.
The blog was something like, "I went here today and it was amazingly beautiful. And I went into this shop and found a purse that I really wanted, but definitely couldn't afford. I had some soup at this restaurant and it was so good. I'll go again." -- Type of thing.
Loved it!

Anyway, enough of that rant.

I fully intended on sleeping in today.
But I have this guilt whenever I hear K getting around and ready for work. Kind of like, "Why should I stay in bed all warm and cozy while he goes off to work?" Alas, I got out of bed.

...Only to the announcement that K had found a gross glob of cat puke. It was my turn to clean it up.
So as I scrubbed, sprayed "Oxi-Magic" and then vacuumed the crime scene, I discovered another glob. As I slowly approach, horror strewn all over my face, I find yet another glob by the window.
Nasty.
Creeper, the newest member of our Family, has a weak stomach apparently. Although, I think he's still adjusting to new food and whatnot. The Shelter gave him something they don't sell in stores. Lame.

My Friend, Sarah, just had a baby.
Yes, someone else had a baby. Surprising, isn't it?
The baby is incredibly cute. He's a chunker and so cuddly looking.
Before Sarah got pregnant- her and I exchanged emails about how we both desired to be Mothers but wasn't sure if we wanted to wait longer or not. She also had said that she hoped it would happen unexpectedly so that there wasn't added stress in the process. I find myself hoping for the same thing.
I'm SO happy that she's a Mom now. I find myself a bit jealous and then again, find myself thinking..."Wow, we're in two different stages now. The things that we related on before, don't apply nearly as much anymore." Bummer, man.

Speaking of babies, I've really wanted one of my own.
I know, I know.
Spend more time with my Husband. I'm young. Things will never be the same.
I really, truly, desire to have a little being growing inside of me. And then, to be able to teach that same little being about....everything. Stuff. This and that. I want him/her to depend on me. I want to be their hero. I want that.

I saw a status or post or something a few weeks ago about how if there is a God or "Higher Power" that He/She/It would change their rules to fit the changing world.
I thought about it briefly, that sure, that would make sense to someone who isn't fully devoted to their Savior.
But, God didn't create His "Rule book" so that He could change it according to us. We're supposed to follow His rules and change our lives to fit Him.
*Shrugs* Makes sense to me.

I feel like I have a bad .... temperment? I'm not sure what the right word is. The people closest to me have been pretty great at pointing out my short comings. Ha, Ha. Which, I guess is what I need now and again.
The one that seems prevelant is my tone of voice. I come off sounding like a jerk, when really, that's not what my mind is thinking.
Apparently my mind and my mouth don't get along well.
It makes me feel bad. Because I so want to be that strong, caring, loving, gentle wife/friend/daughter that I should be.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I am.
But in a lot of ways, I know I fall completely short. Sometimes I yell when I don't need to. Stress when I don't need to. Pout when I don't need to.
I'm a handful, I think. Not proud of that at all....I don't feel like, "Hey suckers, this is me! Take it or leave it!"

I've found that I really don't like housework.
Today, I have to do close to 4 or 5 loads of laundry. Vacuum. Dishes. Dinner. Bathroom.
I know that I need to do it. Not only because it's just...sanitary, haha, but because I want to please my Husband in that way.
But...I have not gumption to do it. Honestly, after working 4 days- chasing a toddler around- I feel like being a couch potato. Facebook stalking people, watching a chick flick, eating something scrumptious, and wearing something completely ugly and un-public-worthy- but comfortable. Oh, with messy hair. Too. And smeared makeup. And fuzzy striped socks. (Yes, I'm describing my current 'condition'.)

Sometimes, I leave the housework too long. And K comes home and helps me with it. And I hate that. It makes me feel bad. And really, like I'm a horrible wife.
I'm working on it.
But on the same note- K has become extremely "OCD Clean Man" since we've been married, which I'm somewhat surprised about. That's not bad at all, trust me, who wouldn't want a cleaner of a Husband? But...I think I'm finding that our priorities are different.
Here comes the "Meshing" part of Marriage, I suppose.
Where, I feel like I would rather let the floor go unvacuumed for one day and spend quality time with K- He would rather vigorously vacuum the floors of the entire apartment and then sit down together.
He may or may not be right about this. . . :0)

I've been really missing playing the piano lately.
I used to play a lot of Beatles, Norah Jones, and other Classical stuff. Eases my stress levels. It was amazing.
I still have all of my piano books, but nowhere to play.
I took lessons for about 11 years.
Sometimes I don't think they did any good though. At the beginning especially, I played by memorization and "ear". When Edith would play a song, I'd memorize the keys her fingers touched and the sound. I've never done too well with reading notes, so I struggle.
But I still really enjoy the sound of piano music and on occassion seeing a keyboard at a store or someone's home and quickly playing the only song I've managed to somewhat memorize. Canon in D.

So, I've been counting calories. So, that's been good. A friend suggested a site to me and so far, so good. I feel better about myself. Doubtful that I've lost any weight YET, but at least I'm trying...right? That's better than....not trying?

So, I started a book. Well, is book the right word? Probably not. I don't know what it is. We'll call it, a story.
I started a story over a year ago.
I've done this so many times over my lifetime, it's ridiculous. Start and then never finish.
I read this 'story' to K and he really enjoyed it. So maybe I'll actually try and finish it eventually. So far it's a mystery. But it wouldn't be my writing if there wasn't romance thrown in there somewhere :0)
So we shall see!
You know what I should do sometime?
Blog a story that I wrote when I was young. Like 12.
Believe me, they're hilarious. You'll be on the edge of your seat....laughing hysterically.

I have to find a new job, fairly soon.
Hopefully around the last week of December, first week of January.
I'm fairly stressed about it, for a number of reasons, really.
There are quite a few Childcare positions available around here. But, the ones I'm interested in are too far away or start within the month. Or the ones that are close by are for triplets or 4 school-age children. Neither of which I'm interested.
God REALLY blessed me with the position working with the Leveille Family.
Some of you may have read some of my "Nanny Diaries" when I was working in Chicago. If you didn't- basically, it was a really rough experience for me. I didn't feel appreciated, or happy. I lost a lot of weight and felt really bad about myself.
The Leveille Family took a chance with me and I'm so glad they did! Not only is Gray adorable, but I feel appreciated and respected. I look forward to work in the mornings.
I'll really miss working with them regularly, but I'm counting on God to take care of me and guide me to the next phase of life.

"She Moves In Her Own Way"- by The Kooks, just started playing on my shuffle...it's such a happy song. Listen to it!

I've really been into sending cards lately. Or little notes.
I really love receiving them and realized....other people probably do too. So, I have been buying a bit of stationary here and there and some festive cards.
It's been fun. I've never really cared about it before- but I guess moving to a new State, far away from everyone creates some change, huh? :0)

Oh, so I've completely forgotten to tell you all about our little B&B getaway to Vermont!
It was great.
The drive was a little longer than anticipated, but the scenery was beautiful. Luckily, we just made it to catch the last of the Vermont foliage.
I never dreamed I'd ever visit Vermont...let alone LIVE on the East Coast, haha. But...it's been great to see a different part of the Country. Lots of trees instead of lots of fields.
But anyway-
It was relaxing. It was an intimate setting with breath-taking views and I think it was exactly what we were looking for. I definitely recommend Vermont for a getaway from stress!

Well, I think I'm about done with this blog. It feels like I've already babbled on too long. And you may be bored. OR you may be dying to know what else is happening in my head. :0)

If you haven't, or don't...check out my facebook photo albums! I always post new photos and I think that it's a really great way to catch up on my life. Enjoy!



Later Days.