I won't be the best friend you'll ever have.

I was the 6 year old girl who was pinning white (clean) burp cloths to my hair, smudging lipstick on my tiny lips, and finding the nearest flowy nightgown- in order to make myself beautiful for the wedding I was planning to my Prince Charming.

When the time finally came, I was 20 years old and brand newly engaged. I called a few people, namely my best friend since age 2 (or earlier?!) and my Family. I texted others in a flurry of emotion, excitement, and disbelief. My heart raced and I had no idea what to do next. (Update my facebook status, obviously!)

I felt like amidst the 9 months leading to my wedding day and the two weeks following when I moved into my new Connecticut home- I felt and visibly saw many friendships that I considered special, dwindle. Many weren't genuinely excited for my engagement. Many didn't come to my wedding. Many didn't keep in contact with me after I moved.

I can say, that even nearly 5 years later, I can see that sometimes- distance doesn't actually make the heart grow fonder. I've seen once strong friendships turn into random "how are you?" facebook messages- and making childhood plans turn into- "Oh, you're getting married? Congratulations!"

I hate that.
I SO hate that.

I'm totally nostalgic when it comes to friendships.
For me, once you've created a bond- whether you're 5 or 50, it's always there.  Whether you move away, gain a degree, a spouse, or a child...at one time, you and that person (people) had a strong relationship.And, I truly, have never been able to accept that people "just grow apart".

I can, however, see that sometimes- you quit working at your friendship.

I have always considered myself, up until the last year or so, at the top of the totem pole. Which is ridiculous on my part. I should never look at myself and think, "Dang! I'm an awesome friend! Go me!"

And so today, in the last hour, I've decided that instead of pointing out those who I think could try harder. Or looking sadly at the past- to friendships I miss- I'm going to work harder to make those friendships stronger, to rekindle the good times.

And so, I won't be the best friend you'll ever have.

But, I'm sure going to try to be a good one.

Letters & Friends

I have been in such a "writey" mood lately.  I think I need an infinite supply of stamps and stationery on hand.  I think most everyone-openly or not- loves getting a little hand-written letter or card in the mail. Something that's personal, something that took time & thought, and something other than bills! 
It's my dream to have my own little nook- where I can set up a little writing station. Stamps, envelopes, different types of stationery- cards filed by occasion....and my new desire, a feather pen with ink.  Also, a vase of fresh flowers.

I was telling a Friend via email about how I've been feeling lately. It was actually quite a depressing email, honestly. I re-read it 3 or 4 times after I had sent it thinking, "Do I really sound that bad?? "
I've always had this idea that bonds between people trump time and distance.
For example, I feel that when you're 10 years old sharing secrets, inside jokes, and creating your own little language- when you're 30, regardless if you only talk a few times a Month, if that, you can still find yourself good Friends with that other person.
Is that crazy?  Be honest with me here, anyone else out there feel anything like that?

I've always found it easy to lose touch, but still be close Friends.  I hold my Friendships on a very high pedastol- and I feel that time and time again I am let down. 

I'm realizing as I age, that people change.
I've been told this, going on years now, but I've always simply assumed that those changes in other people's lives- wouldn't include me. 
Well, surprise suprise....they do.

It's been a hard truth for me to digest. And really, I've only discovered it recently. The thing is, I'm not sure how to cope with it yet.  How have you coped with it?

When I got married- I also moved across the Country. Into a State that was nearly foreign to me.  I began a new job. Joined another Family. Left my Family behind. And needed to learn how to take on being a Wife.
I needed the support of my Friends so, so badly. I needed emails, letters, phone calls, texts, and visits. 

Sadly, I've found myself still without any real, genuine Connecticut Friends and also I'm beginning to see those Friendships that I've always put so much trust into- dwindling away. 

I'm trying to find a reason for this. But, I don't see it yet. 
Hmph!

Friends, forgive me for some of these pictures. :)


Until next time, write someone a letter.