Friday, September 3, 2010

"I can't get NO...Sa-tis-fac-tion!"

So I was really dreading this past trip to Michigan. Well maybe not 'dreading'- but I was nervous about it. I didn't know if I'd get back and cry the whole time because I had missed everything and everyone so much. I didn't know if I'd miss Connecticut so much and not be able to wait to get home. Not to mention, I had to take my sister's senior pictures and I wanted to do her proud.

The trip was good.
Better than expected, worse than hoped. If that makes sense.
The cat I've grown up with was nearly unrecognizable. His eyes were dark and he was fur and bones basically. I felt this horrible pit in my stomach and then got to thinking about it WAY too much. Which led to me feeling like, "Oh childhood is almost over because the cat that has remained a constant throughout my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood is going to die. Which means my childhood dies too."
Which of course sounds silly. But at the time, it really hit a nerve.

I have a million memories in my childhood and they don't have to die, just because the cat does.

But still....I don't want the cat to die, regardless :/

Spending time with my little sister was really cool- we didn't fight at all, which is new. Heh.
It's cool to see that she's maturing and growing up- but she's still in highschool and I'm married. Never fails, due to a nearly 6 year age difference...we're constantly at different points in our lives. I guess I get to relive some of my life vicariously through her :)

On the way back to Connecticut we stopped in a few towns I grew up around in Ohio. It was really cool to share that part of my life with Kyle. It's like the part of my history that he really couldn't visualize, because he had never seen it.
I showed him my old house, church- where my best friends used to live. I showed him where people in our Church lived and then we drove down vacant country roads admiring the simplicity of all the rolling fields.

I've gotta say.
I really miss fields all over the place.
When I was upset, I used to jump in the car, roll down the windows, and drive in any direction and land somewhere in the middle of farmland. It helps clear the mind, really.
I miss going on walks in the fields- finding arrowheads, old golf balls, animal tracks- or making little forts in the peak of crop season.
I miss being able to see fireworks from four different directions, just from sitting on the back deck on the 4th of July. All because the land was so open.

For those of you who have never been to Connecticut- it's really beautiful, honestly. So much colonial history. Rolling hills, forests everywhere. feels chlosterphobic to me. Houses are right on top of each other and I've honestly never seen so many multi-family homes. And the worst part is how ridiculously expensive it is to live here.

One of my biggest dreams is to own a home.
Have a yard, a dog, a garage. Paint where I want. Maybe a fire-place.
I think it's probably one of the biggest decisions you make as a Husband and a wife. Buying a home together, making it all about us and who we are and what we want. I'd love to have guests over, do a little entertaining. How cool would that be?!

Do you ever get overwhelmed with life? That's probably a stupid question. Who DOESN'T get overwhelmed by life?
But I guess, that's how I'm feeling right now.
Feeling like I'm running out of time to choose what to do with life.
Do we move? Out of town? Out of State? Into another apartment? Can we save for a house? Should we sell our car and get something cheaper? Should we switch jobs? Should we start thinking about kids? Should we seize the moment and go to California?

I'm trying to learn to feel...content. Satisfied.

It's not easy, at all. I feel bored, tired, overwhelmed, impatient.

Oddly enough though- I feel peace that God will handle everything. Although I think sometimes, life involves leaps of Faith.

Anyway- to all of those reading this, sorry it's all over the place with no real flow or direction. Maybe something better will come out of my brain next time.


Tresa said...

For those who get this, it's not all over the place...and I get this. I understand.

Beth S. said...

Good post. I'm sad that you were so close to home and I missed you. We still have to introduce husbands. :)

I often feel overwhelmed with life even with a house and job and all that stuff. I don't think it goes away due to external circumstances, but I believe God can do wonders. I recently read the book Radical. Have you heard of it? I'd recommend it. It helped me see beyond a lot of things that tend to get me overwhelmed and helped simplify my vision. Very challenging but definitely a much needed punch in the stomach. Sorry for the long comment!