Friday, September 17, 2010

Road through Marriage, Year One.

So, Kyle and I have been married a year and some change.

It's hard for me to fathom, honestly.

It feels like yesterday I was roaming around the campus of Vennard College trying to work my way through classes, trying to work my way through relationships and friendships that wouldn't even matter a year later, and all the while wondering where I'd be around this time. Fall 2010.

I constantly joked after graduating college in 2008 that I was giving myself till the end of the summer and finding me a man and marrying him. Of course, deep down I really hoped that Prince Charming would appear at that very second. And he basically, did.

I was browsing through old pictures this past week and came across a wedding picture of Kyle and I.

I found myself staring at Kyle in the picture and then proceeded to stare at the back of Kyle's head as he typed away on our home desktop computer.

"Who the heck did I marry?" I asked myself.

Ever have one of those days where you all of a sudden...can't believe you live where you do, or you look the way you do, you're working where you are... or that you've married the person you have?

You don't think these things with regret, more with astonishment that you're no longer a 10 year old dreaming of what you'll become in life. You're there.

I think what's weird to me is that nothing in my life is exactly how I'd ever pictured it being- but at the same time, I know it's where I'm supposed to be. Because, I'm happy. I'm truly, truly in love. And I've never regretted marrying Kyle. In fact, it's probably one of the only things in my life that I haven't doubted.

It's a good feeling, really.

Right around the time I got engaged and really started planning the wedding by life took a 180 degree flip and I slowly started stressing out, slowly started losing a grip on myself.

I had always looked forward to planning my wedding. The flowers, the colors, the dresses...the food. The invites. Everything. I bought Bridal magazines when I was 14 for goodness sakes!

However, the process was more overwhelming than I'd hoped and found myself wishing away the whole planning period and just wanting to be married.

So the wedding is over, right?

I'm happy...but still feeling a little stressed. Definitely feeling that I'm all of a sudden an adult and not sure how to be one. Not sure how to pay bills, don't know how to be a wife, don't know how to cook amazingly well...I'm not sure how to entertain other people, I don't know the best cleaning products and I definitely do NOT know my way around Connecticut. (Still, even after a year I don't really know my way around Connecticut. But then again, that's pretty typical of anywhere I go.)

The first few months, I hardly saw Kyle. He worked two jobs and we rarely had dinner together. Rarely had date nights. Rarely had...any time together whatsoever.

Basically, the job stuff has really affected our Marriage.

I wondered why work was more important than time with me. I wondered if he was flirting with all the young girls at the Mall. I wondered when I'd get to cook a meal for him again, or when I'd get a full day with him, just doing nothing. Like we had always talked about.

Most people don't view working and money the way we do. Money isn't everything. Not even in a tough economy. Sure, I love surprises, getaways, going on dates, shopping...just as much as any other wife out there- but I'm being completely honest when I say, I could give allllll of that up right now for more time with my Husband. Call me greedy.

Then there is the issue of having virtually no friends around here. One of my first blogs was about how I felt lonely and friendless. And oddly enough, I'm still pretty friendless. There are the guys that Kyle works with...and a few of them have girlfriends- but none of them really seem interested in going out for a cup of coffee or a walk or...just hanging out. They've got school, or live to far away, or hectic job schedules. Fair, enough.

I've met one girl down the road, but she's at school now.

I've met one girl and her husband from Church, but even there- I don't see them often.

I obviously don't have any real friends at work, being that I work alone, with a baby who doesn't really say a complete word yet.

THEN there is the issue of not having my immediate family around anymore.

I feel like I'm missing out on my family's lives. I'm worried that something will happen to them and I won't be there.

Granted, I've gained a new family...but I still feel like they're unsure of me. Either A) I'm not really an exciting asset to the family or B) they don't have time to get to know me. or C) Maybe they think I'm ridiculously abnormal?

THEN I became depressed. I was incredibly moody. Incredibly insecure. Incredibly...everything I never thought I'd become. Crying all the time, angry about stupid things, raising my voice too much, energy-less all of the time. Just not me.

Oddly...a year has passed.

A bundle of negativity thrown out the door.

I feel...relieved. Renewed. Refreshed and a bunch of other "re"-words.

It feels like my depression was a bad dream, my constant worries were's weird.

It almost feels as though we just got married last weekend and we're starting over. It feels wonderful. I'm excited for year two, excited for the fact that Kyle has quit a job. Excited to have dates, and late nights and all things sweet with my Husband.

I've learned a lot about myself. Good, bad, and mostly ugly. But...because of this last year, I know how to make this much better. And it's going to be.

Here it goes, Year Two!



Yasi said...

Congrats on the 1 year Amanda! I have a lot of similar feelings. I can't believe that John and I are married-- the same astonishment that you feel :) And I just moved to Kalamazoo and don't know *anybody* here.

Jessica said...

Amanda, just last week I was wondering myself how I ended up where I am right now and if it's where I thought I would be if someone had asked me a year ago. Being a college graduate is what I expected, yes. But living in Florida (900 miles from "home"), having an amazing boyfriend (who sometimes drives me nuts), not having a job or knowing when I'll find a job--those are things I didn't expect a year ago.

I know the next year of my life is going to be crazy and whatever I think I can expect will probably not be the way things work out. Even so, I'm excited to see where life takes me now that I'm done with college.

Congrats on being married for a year! I hope the next year is even better than the first.

Oh, and I also live somewhere where I don't know anybody. It's tough for me too.