Grandma knows best.

Do I usually write a blog post after my traditional Christmas trip to Michigan?
I think it's possible.

I have a marriage journal that I began before Kyle & I were married. 53 days before, to be exact. I really liked the idea of documenting how things were for me and then giving it to my future children or someone else who could find it useful, and also- so that I could look back and see things from my younger perspective.

What I noticed from my Journal while reading some of the earlier entries, was that I had been afraid of Connecticut and marriage. I was really nervous about moving here and not fitting in. Once I was here, I realized that....I was actually right.
 I don't really fit here, in general. My perspective on life often clashes with the general mindset in this area and I don't seem to really click with other women my age around here. We have different values. Different priorities.

It's not really a secret that if I had a choice between Connecticut and living in Michigan, I'd choose the latter in less than a heartbeat. Pack up my husband and my kitties and hit the road without looking back.

I could feel my emotions bubbling over throughout our second week in Michigan and I knew I needed some wisdom.

To Grandma's room I went.

I sat down on her bed and before I had hardly even touched on what I wanted to say, I started crying. She let me vent and get everything off of my chest.
And then she calmly said,

"There's really only one secret I have that could help you. I've learned that being content comes from knowing you're in the center of the Lord's will for your life."

She said more and I nodded and continued to ugly cry.

At the end of the day, no matter how much I want to be in Michigan- I knew that I was in the wrong with my thinking.

The Lord knows the desires of my heart, but for now. He has us here. And instead of praying for change, I realized...I need to pray that I be in the center of His will. Wherever that may be. Here, there, or anywhere else. I trust Him to take care of me.

And I can honestly say, although I have those days where I miss the rolling fields, the constant laughter, and the hugs... I'm content. Or if I'm not all the way there- I'm close. I've been praying diligently for the first time in my life, that God leads the way. And that whatever way that may be- I'll be okay with it.

I wanted to get all of this out there, to encourage those of you who are at a point in your life where you're frustrated, doubtful, unhappy...that instead of looking to yourself for the answers, take it to the Lord and pray that He'll bring you contentment at the center of His will.

I'm confident that He'll reveal both to you when you're open and not self seeking.

To Baby or Not to Baby?

Oh, hello.
It's me, Amanda.
I write on this sleepy ole blog when something comes to me that matters. :)
As I get older (and boy, have I been feeling it) I find myself exploring the idea of having kids more and more seriously. '

Truth be told, this whole "talking about having kids" thing is completely weird territory for me. It's no surprise to my close family and friends that growing up I knew two things. I wanted to be a wife and a mother.
I was positive I would be married young (I was hoping for like 17, but...21'll do.) and almost as positive that I would have babies shortly after.

The first year of marriage was killer.
A word to newlyweds- give yourself that year. Because it's amazing to me that once I lived as a wife a little while...man. I kind of enjoyed it just being me & my husband. Although, I have to admit...being a Nanny is excellent birth control. So, maybe, I'll recommend that everyone should be a Nanny to 1 or 2 small children full-time, before considering children of their own? Yes. That's my recommendation.

...but as I was saying.
I clearly recall within that first year, gushing every time I saw a baby. If someone was pregnant, I was green with envy. If there was a baby nearby, my eyes were glued to it and I was nudging Kyle to adore that little blob of cute as much as I did.
I remember being in church one Sunday and saw a mom holding her new baby boy- I started crying. In the middle of Church.

But oddly, as the years have gone on- I have gone through other phases of thinking maybe, just maybe, being a mom isn't for me, after all.
I seem to be through that phase now and in the..."Maybe in a few years.." phase.

Aside from the constant pressure of keeping up with all of my baby making machine friends (and I mean that kindly!)- I'm also feeling incredibly insecure about my age. If we follow our tentative plan, I'll be almost 30 with my first.
My Mom was 29, and I always swore I wouldn't wait that long.
And here I am.

I struggle with finding a contentment and peace with where I am RIGHT NOW. There are so many things I want to do before kids- and so many things I don't want to wait for, in order to have them.
Does that make sense?

The most common advice I get is, "Enjoy your time with your husband."  "You're young. No rush."
I know, I know!

The flip side of this topic is a hard one for me to write, mostly because I don't want to offend anyone.
But, another thing that has held me back from pursuing children more seriously is the constant (and I mean, constant..) flow of articles, photos, studies, and personal opinions regarding birth and breastfeeding.

I have to say, and I may not be speaking for any sort of mass, but those articles? Those about what doctors did to so and so and how midwives are better and how breastfeeding hurts so bad but also that "breast is best" and also about the epidural and how horrible it is and that you need to go all natural....THOSE. Are the articles that scare the crap out of me.

I appreciate openness and honesty.
But I respect women who do what works for them and their families and in return, respect other women who do the same thing.

My only request here, I suppose, is that when those of you who are already mothers- are sharing your wisdom across all of facebook, please remember that not all of your friends are mothers.
New mothers aren't the only ones who may be feeling alone in whatever situation they may be in- it's those of us, too, who are thinking about getting pregnant but have constant, awful scenarios rotating through our minds of ...what exactly IS best? Is that going to happen to me? What do I choose?

I know, I know. Then why am I friends with you, right? Or why don't I just *not* read the articles?
Well, because I like you as a person, probably.
And also, I don't read most of the articles.
But the one liners, the photos? That's often all it takes for me to be like...jaw on the floor, eyes bigger than you'd think humanly possible....and doubtful.

I don't really know what this post will do for anyone. Maybe something good somewhere. I hope so! Regardless, I feel pretty relieved to get all of that out there and not just through frantic texts to friends.

High five friends.
It's the weekend!

Be Selfish. See What Happens.

I have a "guilty pleasure" of watching Bravo TV Shows, especially "The Real Housewives" series they have out.  While browsing, I caught a headline about one of the Wives filing divorce from her Husband of 27 years.  The Woman herself has always been a bit wacky, in general, but her marriage has been televised as being pretty steady. Her husband always seemed accepting and supportive of her.

As I was reading the article, the part that specifically stuck out to me was this;

"Shifting her body to directly address the audience, she told the crowd, "Nothing is written in stone, life is an evolution. Again, ladies and gentlemen, as long as you feel good about yourself you can handle anything."

I'm pretty sure it was a shake my head moment because it immediately reminded me of an important truth.

Marriage is completely about two people.
 It's not about you- feeling good about yourself. It's about you working together within the promise you've made by law & to each other.  You're vowing not to be selfish anymore. You're vowing to take care of someone and be with that person through all of life's adversities...and my friends, those adversities will surely come.

 

 

Marriage is one of those things we all kind of know is a BIG deal.
That's why we're advised to discuss God, Family, Money, Sex...before we commit.
But the moment we decide we're better off as friends. Or that marriage isn't for us. Or that your sex life isn't as hot and heavy as you expected...or maybe, surprise! Your spouse isn't making the millions you had previously suspected they were making-  society tells us it's just fine to give up.
Afterall, our personal happiness is most important.
.
You cannot marry anyone, if you think that nothing is set in stone.
When you do or when you did- make those vows- you were setting something in stone.
You were understanding that we're human & no one is perfect.
Depression happens. Losing jobs, happens. Death, happens. Physical changes, happen. Personality changes, happen. Sometimes, we say things we don't mean. Sometimes, we don't always understand each other.
It's life! It's being a human! And it's part of every marriage.

Do yourself a giant favor and understand that because we're human, we "get" marriage. We don't "get divorced" because we're human.
Does that make sense?
I've heard, "Oh, we got a divorce. We made a mistake. We're only human".
No. You stay married, because you're only human. Because you understand that humans change and grow and yes, evolution happens there. You grow and adapt to that evolution. Not give up when it shows its sometimes, scary force.

Stick up for your marriage, even when it means going against yourself.
Because selfishness when it's brought into nearly any situation- specifically one that is all about two people, is just plain ugly.

Ain't nobody got time for that.




{Disclaimer: If you've been divorced or experienced divorce in some capacity, I am not calling you a horrible human being. I simply believe that marriage can withstand anything when it's put on its rightful pedestal by both.}

She Brings Him Good, Not Harm.

Proverbs 31--
God has really been speaking to me through this Chapter.

Before I was married, I had this gigantic plan.
I was going to be a wonderful wife!
Charming, beautiful, hard-working...
Breakfast every Morning? Of course!
Laundry done promptly as baskets are full? Done!
In a wonderful mood even when I don't feel wonderful? Absolutely!

....Not.

I can be grumpy, a lot.
I can be real stubborn.
I can be selfish.
I can be naggy.
I can be messy.
I can be...well...unattractive.
Okay, okay...the list could go on but let's not let it.

As I griped mentally while vacuuming & swiffering the floors after work, I was reminded of this Chapter and felt God give me a little nudge. "Just do it. It'll make him happy."

...And that makes me happy.

God may be on to something there.... :)

Are you being the Wife You're called to be?

Four Years

Hubs & I just celebrated our 4th Anniversary- and it was a blast! We can honestly both say it was our best anniversary yet.

Typically, we just find a cute b&b or get a favorite meal out.

This Year we went to New Hampshire & did lots of outdoor activities and enjoyed restaurants we've never tried.

It rained basically the entire trip, including one ginormous storm right as we reached our Lodge- but it added to the fun of our Anniversary. Stepping out of our comfort zone and enjoying each other's company no matter what the conditions.

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you've already seen some of these pictures. But for those of you who haven't...a little description under each photo.

...Onto Year Five!

The back of Bear Mountain Lodge- built almost entirely by the Keeper.

 

Views from the deck- so beautiful!

 

Us at a lookout at Lucknow Castle

 

On top of Cannon Mountain. All that white fog?

Clouds.

 

Romantic atmosphere.

Bailiwicks Fine Restaurant.

 

Heading off in the rain to do some off-roading.

 

Marriage: 3 Years. (& Lots of Pictures!)

Hello Darlings!

 

It's September 12th today.

Mine & K's THREE year Anniversary!

(The first week of us meeting in person & an engagement picture)

 

Truthfully, I can hardly believe it. I can't say it's flown by or that it feels like so much longer. It's a comfortable middle between the two, I think.

 

Everyone (at least my Friends...)  always comes up with these fantastic Facebook statuses in ode to their Anniversaries. 

So last night, as I was thinking about what to make mine today- I knew I didn't want it to be over mushy. I didn't want it to be generic.  But, I also knew I wanted it to be realistic.  This was what I came up with.

 

"It's been a roller coaster ride. Good thing I loooove roller coasters! :)"

 

I felt like someone was going to comment and say, "What does that even mean??  Are you having issues?? Why is it a roller coaster??"

But so far, no one has.

And I think it's because- when you've been in a long term relationship or...married...you understand what I mean.  Even if it's just in a tiny way.

You get it.

 

I have quite a few new followers- so here is a link to a post about my first year of marriage. It's a little lengthy, but it's brutally honest & personal.

 

This past year has been- much better.

I truly am happy. And am blessed. And very thankful for the Man that I've been given. But, like most normal, human beings...we have our differences & spats. :)

 

I'm excited for the future. Bring on this next year!!

 

 

 Showing off my new engagement ring :)

 

 Finding THE dress

 

 Wedding Shower

 

 Wedding Picture- Cake Toppers, right?! :)

 

 Honeymoon in Aruba

 

Train to NYC

 

And now! Older &....wiser? :)

 

 

 

Wonderful.

Have a good weekend everyone?

I spent a good amount of time catching glimpses of the Olympics (Go USA!), cuddling with fur babes (as usual!), and spending much needed time with my Husband.

We're also working on making some fairly large changes in our lives. Re-prioritizing and getting where we want to be at this point in our lives. I'm super nervous & also very excited. If you think of it, I'd love it if you'd say a little prayer that we allow Christ to lead the way, fully. (So hard sometimes, right?!)

Here are some favorite recent instagrams. (Follow me @ ajsven)

*Trying out my new Julep polishes together, Yumi & Lynn.

*Snuggles with 007

*A Healthy Snack, Almonds

*A quick photo before heading out on a drive with Hubs

*Hubs needed to break a $20, so he bought flowers- I'll take it! :)

*More, beautiful Summer flowers.

And this is one of my favorites:

Hubs & I about to enjoy a Starbucks brunch- and I caught Kyle mid prayer.  And yes, he was praying silently to himself. I wasn't peeking ;)

It's an incredible example to me of Christ's love. That He's given me a Husband that I often feel so un-deserving of. But not only that, I'm so thankful for a Husband who strives to lead our Marriage, God's way.

Get. Away.

The Hubs and I like to try out fun B&B's (and Inns) around the East Coast. It's kind of become our "thang".  :)

I've done a little research on a few places- but would love love LOVE to hear from all of you on some of your favorite spots to "getaway".

In our first year of Marriage (We're about to celebrate year THREE in September!) we found this amazing Inn in Provincetown, MA. The area is better known as Cape Cod.

It was absolutely gorgeous there. We had gone on an off Season so the streets (and most of the shops & restaurants) were sleepy quiet.  It was really chilly & I loved perusing the streets hand in hand with my Sweet. 

Okay, let's talk about the room. It...was...amazing.  Not huge, but just divine. It's one of those rooms you walk into and immediately think, "Is it time for bed yet??"  (As in, sleep....ha!)

*Anyway*

My favorite feature was the ginormously round window. From the bed, you could look out the window and see the twinkling night sky. It was sort of like a dream, seriously.

I'm sure you're dying for pictures, right? :)

Land's End Inn

So tell me, where is your favorite getaway spot?

Letters & Friends

I have been in such a "writey" mood lately.  I think I need an infinite supply of stamps and stationery on hand.  I think most everyone-openly or not- loves getting a little hand-written letter or card in the mail. Something that's personal, something that took time & thought, and something other than bills! 
It's my dream to have my own little nook- where I can set up a little writing station. Stamps, envelopes, different types of stationery- cards filed by occasion....and my new desire, a feather pen with ink.  Also, a vase of fresh flowers.

I was telling a Friend via email about how I've been feeling lately. It was actually quite a depressing email, honestly. I re-read it 3 or 4 times after I had sent it thinking, "Do I really sound that bad?? "
I've always had this idea that bonds between people trump time and distance.
For example, I feel that when you're 10 years old sharing secrets, inside jokes, and creating your own little language- when you're 30, regardless if you only talk a few times a Month, if that, you can still find yourself good Friends with that other person.
Is that crazy?  Be honest with me here, anyone else out there feel anything like that?

I've always found it easy to lose touch, but still be close Friends.  I hold my Friendships on a very high pedastol- and I feel that time and time again I am let down. 

I'm realizing as I age, that people change.
I've been told this, going on years now, but I've always simply assumed that those changes in other people's lives- wouldn't include me. 
Well, surprise suprise....they do.

It's been a hard truth for me to digest. And really, I've only discovered it recently. The thing is, I'm not sure how to cope with it yet.  How have you coped with it?

When I got married- I also moved across the Country. Into a State that was nearly foreign to me.  I began a new job. Joined another Family. Left my Family behind. And needed to learn how to take on being a Wife.
I needed the support of my Friends so, so badly. I needed emails, letters, phone calls, texts, and visits. 

Sadly, I've found myself still without any real, genuine Connecticut Friends and also I'm beginning to see those Friendships that I've always put so much trust into- dwindling away. 

I'm trying to find a reason for this. But, I don't see it yet. 
Hmph!

Friends, forgive me for some of these pictures. :)


Until next time, write someone a letter.

Road through Marriage, Year One.

So, Kyle and I have been married a year and some change.

It's hard for me to fathom, honestly.

It feels like yesterday I was roaming around the campus of Vennard College trying to work my way through classes, trying to work my way through relationships and friendships that wouldn't even matter a year later, and all the while wondering where I'd be around this time. Fall 2010.

I constantly joked after graduating college in 2008 that I was giving myself till the end of the summer and finding me a man and marrying him. Of course, deep down I really hoped that Prince Charming would appear at that very second. And he basically, did.

I was browsing through old pictures this past week and came across a wedding picture of Kyle and I.

I found myself staring at Kyle in the picture and then proceeded to stare at the back of Kyle's head as he typed away on our home desktop computer.

"Who the heck did I marry?" I asked myself.

Ever have one of those days where you all of a sudden...can't believe you live where you do, or you look the way you do, you're working where you are... or that you've married the person you have?

You don't think these things with regret, more with astonishment that you're no longer a 10 year old dreaming of what you'll become in life. You're there.

I think what's weird to me is that nothing in my life is exactly how I'd ever pictured it being- but at the same time, I know it's where I'm supposed to be. Because, I'm happy. I'm truly, truly in love. And I've never regretted marrying Kyle. In fact, it's probably one of the only things in my life that I haven't doubted.

It's a good feeling, really.

Right around the time I got engaged and really started planning the wedding by life took a 180 degree flip and I slowly started stressing out, slowly started losing a grip on myself.

I had always looked forward to planning my wedding. The flowers, the colors, the dresses...the food. The invites. Everything. I bought Bridal magazines when I was 14 for goodness sakes!

However, the process was more overwhelming than I'd hoped and found myself wishing away the whole planning period and just wanting to be married.

So the wedding is over, right?

I'm happy...but still feeling a little stressed. Definitely feeling that I'm all of a sudden an adult and not sure how to be one. Not sure how to pay bills, don't know how to be a wife, don't know how to cook amazingly well...I'm not sure how to entertain other people, I don't know the best cleaning products and I definitely do NOT know my way around Connecticut. (Still, even after a year I don't really know my way around Connecticut. But then again, that's pretty typical of anywhere I go.)

The first few months, I hardly saw Kyle. He worked two jobs and we rarely had dinner together. Rarely had date nights. Rarely had...any time together whatsoever.

Basically, the job stuff has really affected our Marriage.

I wondered why work was more important than time with me. I wondered if he was flirting with all the young girls at the Mall. I wondered when I'd get to cook a meal for him again, or when I'd get a full day with him, just doing nothing. Like we had always talked about.

Most people don't view working and money the way we do. Money isn't everything. Not even in a tough economy. Sure, I love surprises, getaways, going on dates, shopping...just as much as any other wife out there- but I'm being completely honest when I say, I could give allllll of that up right now for more time with my Husband. Call me greedy.

Then there is the issue of having virtually no friends around here. One of my first blogs was about how I felt lonely and friendless. And oddly enough, I'm still pretty friendless. There are the guys that Kyle works with...and a few of them have girlfriends- but none of them really seem interested in going out for a cup of coffee or a walk or...just hanging out. They've got school, or live to far away, or hectic job schedules. Fair, enough.

I've met one girl down the road, but she's at school now.

I've met one girl and her husband from Church, but even there- I don't see them often.

I obviously don't have any real friends at work, being that I work alone, with a baby who doesn't really say a complete word yet.

THEN there is the issue of not having my immediate family around anymore.

I feel like I'm missing out on my family's lives. I'm worried that something will happen to them and I won't be there.

Granted, I've gained a new family...but I still feel like they're unsure of me. Either A) I'm not really an exciting asset to the family or B) they don't have time to get to know me. or C) Maybe they think I'm ridiculously abnormal?

THEN I became depressed. I was incredibly moody. Incredibly insecure. Incredibly...everything I never thought I'd become. Crying all the time, angry about stupid things, raising my voice too much, energy-less all of the time. Just not me.

Oddly...a year has passed.

A bundle of negativity thrown out the door.

I feel...relieved. Renewed. Refreshed and a bunch of other "re"-words.

It feels like my depression was a bad dream, my constant worries were nonexistent...it's weird.

It almost feels as though we just got married last weekend and we're starting over. It feels wonderful. I'm excited for year two, excited for the fact that Kyle has quit a job. Excited to have dates, and late nights and all things sweet with my Husband.

I've learned a lot about myself. Good, bad, and mostly ugly. But...because of this last year, I know how to make this year...so much better. And it's going to be.

Here it goes, Year Two!

Huzzah.

Brutal? Honesty? You got it!

After reading a friend's (I guess you could call her a friend. Her name is Meggan, we talk on facebook rarely. Went to college together and hardly talked then- but for the sake of this blog, we'll say we're friends.) blog, I felt compelled to write my second.

She talked about how essentially most people are living in this world as fakies. Buying things with money they don't have, being people they aren't and whatnot. I found this to be...well, truth.

I'm guilty of this as well, being "fake", I suppose.

This blog is going to be me basically chucking who I am at you, and you can take it and do what you will.

So let's begin, shall we?

I'd like to tell all of you that I'm incredibly optomistic and full of bubbly attitudes and responses. But that wouldn't be the truth.

The truth is, I can be a really negative person. About myself and about life in general sometimes. I'm just critical. I don't know where this attribute came from...perhaps a heartbreak earlier in life? Or maybe thinking too much? Or more likely, not trusting God enough?

I am not very self confident. At all.

I don't like my short neck, my short stature, my weight, my nose, my feet, my fingers, the wrinkles on my face, my teeth....you name it, I've disliked it. I guess this is pretty common for most woman, so if you're reading this and a woman- you're probably thinking, "Yep, exactly." But if you're not thinking that, then...good for you.

On the same note, if you're looking through some of my latest photo albums on facebook and thinking or saying, "Wow. Amanda really looks like she's pudged out!" Then yes, you're right. I have. I like to eat. And because of that, I do eat. And because I like to eat, eat, and then eat too much...I gain weight, naturally.

But don't worry you health nuts out there! I'm working on it.

I stress about almost everything, half the time I don't even realize I'm stressing. My mind works a million miles a minute and I can literally think of a dozen different scenerios that could happen by simply going five miles down the road to the post office. In turn, I get panic attacks which most of you know about. And they're not fun. At all.

But, I really only get panic attacks while I'm at Church- isn't that interesting?

Up until recently, I didn't know what a friend collector was. After someone made a comment about my having a lot of friends on facebook- I checked it out, and sure enough- I have quite a few facebook friends. Some I've met once, some I saw across the room at a mutual friend's wedding, and some I've never met at all.

I love looking at pictures. Wedding pictures, Baby pictures, Engagement pictures, Home decor pictures, if it spues "life", I'm there. Lurking.

So I like making new friends, and stalking their pictures...what gives?!

I have a seriously big bone to pick with anyone who abuses their pet in any way, shape, or form. This may include, yelling at your pet for something they can't control, taking pleasure in kicking your pet, leaving your pet outside in ridiculous weather conditions, or yanking on their collar/leash WAY too hard.

My fists tighten, my blood boils.

Kyle has actually made me promise not to do/say anything that could get myself hurt in return. (Such as stopping the guy walking his pitbull through our neighborhood and cheerily asking, "Hey, you don't train that dog to fight...right? No? Well, good. I'd hate to have to hunt you down and get you in BIG trouble. Have a nice day....") :-)

This one may surprise you, make you upset, or just make you question my sanity. All of which are fine.

I truly believe, with my whole heart- That you can look at the opposite sex and not make any thought or comment about their looks. And yes guys, even YOU can do this. I recently read a book that determined that I'm not insane afterall.

Looking & lusting is like having an affair with that person. Cheating on your girlfriend or your Spouse. It's not okay, people.

Kyle and I have a very open marriage and neither of us have a problem inquiring in whether or not one of us was looking a little too long at the opposite gender. Then we discuss it, work it out, and continue on the road to having a pure marriage.

I'm so blessed to have married someone that agrees with me on these things.

I mean come on now, I'm not living in a make believe world where (these days) a ring seals the deal to eternal bliss and my husband is untouchable. Yeah right! I'm keeping my guard up, and NO woman is getting passed it.

Because I feel that it's a definite possibility that God may return soon, I often question my future. I wonder if I'll ever have kids, or get the chance to make that dream trip to Ireland. I wonder if I'll be tazed by some random stranger as I'm minding my own business, walking down the street. I wonder if I'll be homeless by next year, searching the streets for my next meal. You just never know what could happen, and I find myself wondering all the time...

I'm sure I could think of much more to add to this list. But, maybe I'll save that for blog #3.

Keep it Real!