Impossibly Content

My blog has been quiet for quite some time now, I'm sorry about that. I've been trying to only blog when I feel I have something worth saying. I tried doing the every other day posts to keep my readers around, but it wasn't me and it began feeling more like a burden. Who has time for that?!

Do you ever get into those ruts where you feel completely unhappy, lost, doubtful....?
I'll just go ahead and assume that everyone has been there, if not just for my own ease. :)

A few Weeks ago I had a bit of a meltdown. And "a bit"- could be putting it mildly depending on who you ask. It's really not my style to admit that to all of you, but I feel like if it could speak to someone out there, it's okay.

I was feeling very much like....I need to move. I need space. I need change. I need...I need...I need...
Looking back on those three tear-stained days, it could have easily been translated into...I WANT.

Once I pulled myself together and allowed myself to think more clearly,  I was able to see that my wants will always be my worst enemy if I don't start looking at things differently.

Deep down, I would love to accomplish and do other things in life.
But, I know that God has K & I here for a reason. Doing the things that we're doing, with the jobs we have etc...
I'm not sure what that reason is, but it's there. And God knows it. And so, my job is to be content. Here. Tomorrow. Next Week. A Year from now.

And honestly, it's not as hard as I thought it would be.

I've been reading the Word, praying, and allowing myself to be happy and content, even though sometimes I truly think it's impossible.

Even though I still have rough days, my key to getting through them is having hope & trust in the Lord.

I just wanted to let you know, it's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to feel doubt. And it's okay to wonder. It's okay to have a bad couple of days. Being a human is a tough gig sometimes.

But only you can allow yourself to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's always there- but I think we choose to put on blinders and ignore it. Because feeling sorry for ourselves is easier than changing our mentalities.

Take off those blinders and allow yourself to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You and those in your life deserve to be happy and content wherever life is right now.

Don't Focus on That!

Ever have those Weeks (or days, which sounds nicer...) where you just want to curl up in bed because you feel unsettled about life?

Ugh.

Me, too.

Last night was one such night and I found myself wallowing in despair of one thing or another. And woke up this Morning feeling like maybe I had too much to drink last night (I had water) and also, feeling sorry for myself.

I was browsing Instagram and found a photo that changed my entire thought process.

It wasn't the photo, it was the verse connected to the photo.

" For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. " Proverbs 23:7.
Whatever you focus on, you become.


How stinkin' true is that?!
I could note several reasons why I wallow every few days about something silly (and sometimes, truly, not entire silly)- things like, having no close friends nearby. Or not having other co-workers to converse with. Or not being entirely happy with my current physical state.

But at the end of any day, it's all about what I focus on that makes me who I am. 
And honestly, that makes me want to go outside, dig myself a hole, and go hide in it. (While it's raining, for more effect.) 

Because all too often I focus on tomorrow, or next week, or next Summer even. And I freak out. I become anxious and sometimes, not pleasant to be around. (Here Mom, I'll say it for you. "I feel sorry for Kyle." )

I want to choose, Joy.

Is it a Sin?

This has been a post that I've been contemplating for several Weeks now, but wasn't sure I was capable of making sense of it.

But, I've decided to give it a go and really look forward to thoughts & opinions.

I don't know about you, but I can be pretty morbid at times. Not intentionally, but kind. of realistically.

Someone dies, and naturally I tend to think about someone I love dying. Family, close friends.
How would I handle it?

My initial thought, absolutely terribly.

I know People who lose a Spouse and handle it amazingly well. At least, it seems so. They pack up & move on. Or they can talk about the Person, no problem.
Or there are others, who handle it extremely hard-- but are able to live normally within a Year.

Then there is me...
I find that when I even let the thought of my Husband passing away flicker in my mind, the tears come immediately.
I'm almost entirely certain I would die of heartbreak.

So then I was thinking about little tid bits that I've heard from people.
Things like,
"They're not suffering anymore...think of that!"
"It was just their time. It'll get better
" If someone passes away, and you know they're going to Heaven. Why worry? Trust God's plan."

...That last one really got me thinking.
At first I was like, "Duh! Why didn't I think of that?!"
Of course if the Person that passes away is a Christian, you have this peace that you'll see them again. And a peace that they don't have to deal with this craptastic World anymore.

But then I was pulled back to....
But I would be alone.
My entire World would change.
I wouldn't look at anything the same.
I wouldn't want to see anything that reminded me of them, but at the same time...I wouldn't be able to get rid of anything either.

So...
If you're so heartbroken and distraught that you pass away from almost literal heartbreak...
Is it a Sin?
Because you're not relying on God to take care of you without that person?
Wouldn't it be almost like....suicide?

She Brings Him Good, Not Harm.

Proverbs 31--
God has really been speaking to me through this Chapter.

Before I was married, I had this gigantic plan.
I was going to be a wonderful wife!
Charming, beautiful, hard-working...
Breakfast every Morning? Of course!
Laundry done promptly as baskets are full? Done!
In a wonderful mood even when I don't feel wonderful? Absolutely!

....Not.

I can be grumpy, a lot.
I can be real stubborn.
I can be selfish.
I can be naggy.
I can be messy.
I can be...well...unattractive.
Okay, okay...the list could go on but let's not let it.

As I griped mentally while vacuuming & swiffering the floors after work, I was reminded of this Chapter and felt God give me a little nudge. "Just do it. It'll make him happy."

...And that makes me happy.

God may be on to something there.... :)

Are you being the Wife You're called to be?

Love for the World

You unfaithful people! Don't you know that love for this [evil] world is hatred toward God? Whoever wants to be a friend of this world is an enemy of God.                                    James 4:4 (God's Word Translation)


I don't know about you- but as a Christian, especially in today's World, I feel like I'm constantly fighting to keep my Faith. Prove my Faith to other people- and try and convince people that true, God-fearing Christians are not perfect people. We strive to do what God asks of us to our best ability-but it doesn't mean we don't make mistakes just as any other human born Sinner has.

I stumbled across this verse in James- and it really spoke to me.  I find that when I'm in a rut Spiritually, it's intense to get out of it. I have to muster up every ounce of motivation- just to get myself to return to His Word. 

There are so many 'things' that I enjoy about this World.  Animals (duh), makeup, house-hunting, fields, roller coasters, coffee...down comforters. 
There are even some bad behaviors that I've posessed that the World tells me is 'OKAY'.  How easily and often we forget that what the World says and what God says is completely different.

I DO NOT want to be an enemy of God.  While I enjoy some parts of life here, it is essential that we remember that this life is "but a breath" and is completely temporary.  Sure, enjoy life as you have it- but don't enjoy it or love it more than you love your Creator.  Because it will surely be the death of you.

Today, I want to challenge both myself and you- to read the Word. Even if it's just one good verse that gets you through this day- or a devotional. Or say a prayer.  Or find a Church to attend this Sunday.